With the help of our own psychotherapists in the San Francisco group, this month we examined key principles that make a relationship succeed or fail, based on the research of Dr. John Gottman, director of the Gottman Institute in Washington.

Dr. Gottman is the author of the New York Times best seller, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert. Some of the interesting facts presented show that 67 percent of marriages end in divorce (over the course of 40 years) and 50 percent of all divorces occur within the first seven years of marriage.

Perhaps more interesting is the breakdown in reasons for divorce: 80 percent of couples claim they grew apart, 40 percent because of frequent, harsh fights, and 20-27 percent because of an affair. For every negative comment, it takes five positive ones to repair it. Conversely, happy couples use five positive comments for every one negative one they share.

The seven principles that work, according to Gottman, with notes on the ones we highlighted in our discussion:

1)    Enhance your love maps: Know your partner’s stresses, the details, the dreams and the aspirations (what kind of person he or she would like to be). Dreams are always present in the room. The better developed the love maps, the more likely you are to get through big shifts in your life (i.e., having kids). It’s imperative to know yourself here, too – who you are and who you want to become.

2)    Nurture your fondness and admiration: Turn toward each rather than away

3)    Let your partner influence you: “Sharing power” is relevant regardless of how the power is shared. In marriages where men refuse to share power, there’s an 81% chance of divorce. Women can refuse too, but the frequency is higher with men. Arguments escalate in non-power sharing environments. Recognize that all barbs have a need behind them and a reasonable request. If possible, stay out of the negativity of it, which requires skill

4)    Solve your solvable problems

5)    Most conflicts are not resolvable

6)    Overcome gridlock: 69% of conflicts are perpetual. Solvable problems are situational and finite (i.e., taking out the trash). Arguments over these types of things are proxies for something else. Strong couples constantly dialogue about perpetual problems because it keeps them connected.

7)    Create shared meaning